Livin’ on a prayer.

Jesus take the wheel or something like that.

Last night’s bedtime routine was a long one. My daughter’s bedtime routine is a breeze. Jammies? Check. Sleep sack and lovie? Check. Bottle of milk? Check. Brush teeth? Check? Sing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” (or even just the first few lyrics because she’s already asleep)? Check. Kiss goodnight. “Mommy, Daddy, and Bubby love you so much!” And she’s down for the night.

My son’s bedtime routine is a bit longer. First jammies. Then dessert - which is either two cookies, one mini ice cream cone, or four mini Cadbury eggs that we forgot to eat during Easter, plus whatever he didn’t finish for dinner because, “I’m still hungwy.” Then we brush teeth. I say we because whoever is on brush teeth duty has to brush their teeth with him… not a bad habit. Then potty. Then we read two books. Then we say an “Our Father.” Then we sing “Twinkle Twinkle” while he lays in bed.

Finally, we get to the snuggles.

I’ve got the snuggles nearly down to a science. I tell my son he gets two snuggles or as he says, “snuggle two” though sometimes he protests for “snuggle all” which in his three year old brain translates to snuggle until I fall asleep. When we have a successful night of “snuggle two,” I hold my son close to me and say a decade of the rosary in my head. Then I kiss him goodnight. “Mommy, Daddy, and Sissy love you so much!” Without fail he will whisper, “snuggle a little longer.” I lean against him so that he feels my breathing and together we take 40 deep breaths. I need to count them in my head, otherwise I will fall asleep in his twin bed. Finally, I kiss him goodnight, ask him if he wants the door “a little open” or “the middle open,” and then I head to bed or to take my bath.

But last night unexpectedly turned into a “snuggle all” type of night.

After we completed our lengthy bedtime routine, my son said, “but I’m not sweepy.” In his defense, he and I laid in bed for nearly five hours yesterday because my chemo symptoms left me dizzy and nauseated. We napped until 6:00 PM, so an 8:30 PM bedtime didn’t exactly make sense, so we let him stay up until 9:17 PM. As I was cleaning up some toys, he snuck a Thomas the Train Engine toy to his bed. While we were snuggling, we were joined by his lovie “Ellie” (an elephant), Lightning McQueen, Mater, Thomas, and a giant Huffalump my friends gave me in high school when I was in the hospital for a Crohn’s flare up. He played a little as we snuggled. He’s started adding dialogue to his play which is really sweet and often very funny. I pretended to sleep to model what I wanted him to do. After we “snuggled two,” I kissed my son goodnight and he responded, “No, I need you!” In light of everything going on with the missing children in Texas, I didn’t fight it. I kept snuggling and said another decade of the rosary and took 100 deep breaths.

Then my son said he needed some water. He took a drink from the bottle of water precariously perched on his headboard and put it back. Then he said he needed to potty. If you give a mouse a cookie… I took him potty and we went back to bed. Another decade of the rosary and more deep breaths. When I thought he was asleep and tried to sneak out to leave the room, he grabbed my hand. I kneeled next to his bed and held his hand for my fourth decade on the rosary and more deep breaths. Might as well finish the whole rosary now while we are at it.

But as I was being held hostage by my son, I realized that it had been a while since I actually kneeled down to pray, aside from Sunday Mass… which we unfortunately missed because my symptoms were so bad Sunday morning… but we also missed breakfast with our out-of-town friends, our friend’s daughter’s Baptism, the after party, and our usual family Sunday grocery run, so it’s not like we only missed Mass so we could do other things. Though I pray the traditional Catholic prayers every night before I go to sleep, it’s been a while since I’ve had an actual conversation with God.

One of my reader’s (Hi Roxanne!) has been replying to my daily Substack emails - which I had no clue you could do until I got her first reply! She’s been sending me words of encouragement, encouraging me to look into Scripture, and overall just been an amazing support. After receiving her latest response, I decided to work on my relationship with God. I wasn’t super angry with God when I received my cancer diagnosis. In fact, I was actually grateful for the team of doctors, the support, and my family that He made sure I had during this trying time. But my faith definitely took a backseat with so much else going on in my life. I hope it didn’t sit on too many crumbs since we still haven’t vacuumed the car after our most recent road trip. It’s been easy to not go to Mass when I’ve been feeling like crap.

But anyway, back to bedtime. As I was kneeling next to my son, I had a conversation with God for the first time in a long time. I thanked him for my children, my husband, and my family. I prayed for all of the parents of those who are missing. I asked Him to be with me when I go through my next chemo session on Tuesday. Then I finished my rosary, and tried to sneak out again, but my son’s hand popped out from under the covers because he wanted me to hold it.

I decided to lay next to him and do some deep breaths again. Finally, he was asleep. I snuck out, closed the door and went to our bedroom. My husband knew I was “touched out” after over an hour of snuggling with our son, but since we were both awake, we got to have a nice conversation about what new Switch 2 games are coming out, our plan for the week, and how much dog hair has accumulated in our house.

Now that camp is over, I’m excited to be less exhausted at night. Had this all happened during camp, I 100% would have fallen asleep in that twin bed with my son. I really do have a lot to be grateful for these days, so I’m hoping to have more of those conversations with God on a nightly basis, or if my chemo brain gets too foggy, at least to remember to tell Him thank you.